What it is
Urges, like the urge to check your phone, send the angry message, eat the thing, or abandon the task, feel like they will continue forever if you don't act on them. They won't. Most urges have a clear neurological wave: rising, peaking, falling. The peak typically lasts under 90 seconds.
Urge surfing is the practice of noticing the wave and watching it pass instead of acting on it or fighting it.
When to use it
- You're trying not to check your phone and the urge is screaming
- You're about to send a message you'll regret
- A craving has appeared and feels enormous
- You want to abandon the hard task you just sat down to do
- You're about to argue with someone unnecessarily
How to do it
- Notice the urge. Don't act, don't fight. notice. "Oh, there's the urge to check Slack."
- Locate it in your body. Tightness in chest? Itch in hands? Buzz in head? Pay attention to the physical part, not the story it's telling.
- Set a timer for 90 seconds. Just watch it for that long. You don't have to do anything else.
- Let it crest. Most urges peak within the first minute and start falling. You're not making it stop. It's stopping on its own.
- At 90 seconds, check in. Most of the time, the urge is significantly weaker. Sometimes it's gone. If it isn't, surf another wave.
An example
I was in a difficult conversation with my partner. The urge to defend, to interrupt, to make a sharp point, was enormous. My chest was hot.
I put my hand on my chest (signal to myself), didn't speak, and counted breaths. Around breath six, the heat dropped. By breath ten, I could hear what she was actually saying instead of constructing my counter-argument.
I didn't say anything for maybe 40 seconds. She thought I was thinking. I was, technically.
When this fails
- You fight the urge. Trying to suppress it makes it bigger. Surf, don't suppress.
- You feed yourself the story. While surfing, don't mentally rehearse why the urge is justified. That's not surfing. That's pouring fuel on it.
- You expect it to be comfortable. Surfing is not pleasant. The 90 seconds feel longer than 90 seconds. That's fine. It still works.
Try it this week
Pick one common urge (phone-check, snack-when-not-hungry, sending a message in irritation). Next time it hits, surf one wave. 90 seconds, noticing, not acting. See whether the urge is still there at 91 seconds.